Meh.

Today was a day when I felt emotionally void--dull, empty, blah. That's what I said on my Facebook status.

I didn't feel great, but I didn't feel horrible, either. There are many reasons why I felt this way:

• I've been to four wakes/funerals since the end of September, and I have another one to attend this coming Sunday. Two of those wakes have involved former colleagues and friends of mine.
• One wake involved a colleague/friend who was also a member of my book club. I am hosting book club Wednesday night. It is our first meeting since our friend died. I'm not looking forward to the emotion that is going to come out of it, as necessary as it is. I hate crying in front of people.
• I haven't had time/felt like reading or doing any of my hobbies lately. I just want a day to do nothing at all, and not feel guilty about it.
• My car went in for emergency service this afternoon. The engine light came on, and they're doing a coolant flush and something with the temperature gauge. Nothing serious, thank goodness, but still, it's another car repair.
• My coworkers are starting to drop like flies due to H1N1/norovirus/strep throat/whatever other bug is going around. I am grateful, however, to still be healthy.
• My BFF and I are going on our fourth month without speaking to one another. I've been somewhat okay with our quasi-estrangement, but this morning, I woke up really missing him. As much as I want to reach out and pick up the phone, I really think he needs to contact me first--and not just via a forwarded E-mail.
• I had to cancel dinner plans with Mama and Papa Cat Sunday night because of the aforementioned wake.

And just as I was moaning about my fate, this song popped into my head:



Thank you, Eric Idle, for helping me put things into perspective and making me laugh at the same time. For this is what I've realized:

• Meeting with my book club will help me--and everyone else--grieve our loss, but remember our friend in a special way.
• I have a job where I can afford to repair my vehicle. I am also lucky to have such a reliable form of transportation.
• I have not succumbed to illness, and I was one of the lucky few at work to receive an H1N1 shot.
• I am going to see the whole Cat Family in two weeks, on Thanksgiving day. My absolute favorite holiday.
• And as for me and BFF...I think we'll eventually be OK. We have a lot of mutual friends, and we both don't want to put anyone in the middle of our squabble, which is ours and ours alone. It's just going to take some time to heal...but I'm not going to lie, kittens, it's been very painful for me. I don't know how he's felt about it, but it's hurt like mad on my end. I'll blog more about it at some point.

But right now, I need to listen to Eric Idle again...and find my copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Depression doesn't just hurt...depression sucks

As most of you know, I've been dealing with depression for a long time. Depression is one of those chronic illnesses that can rear its ugly head when you least expect it. Or, it can be a gradual accumulation of events that lead to an episode.

This week, I've been dealing with those feelings again. Here's what's going on:

Last weekend I went to visit my choir friends. They had just returned from their trip in central Europe. I stayed at BFF's and drove around town with him and his partner. We went to a tag sale in the morning, then we went to a choir concert that night.

Something about the car ride got me nervous. No one talked during the ride. No one. I sensed a lot of tension. I didn't say anything about it, because it was BFF's birthday weekend and I didn't want to ruin it for him.

We went out to a bar after the concert with two other people to celebrate the birthday. I was the lone holdout from the trip. All they talked about was their trip, their trip, their trip, and they basically ignored me the entire time. I really don't think it was intentional, but it still hurt.

That was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I had been having a lot of self-esteem issues prior to this.

The week before I saw a woman whom I hadn't seen in awhile. She was preggo and glowing, and talking about how her mom was going to take care of the baby so she could go back to work, and how her husband just bought her a phone, and how life was just oh-so-wonderful.

And then I saw another woman whom I hadn't seen in a longer period of time, and she was talking about how great her career was, and she just got a promotion, and her house was newly renovated, and how life was just oh-so-wonderful.

This past Sunday was the worst day. I felt like I wasn't doing anything with my life. I can't afford to go to renovate my house, let alone take a trip to Europe. I don't have a husband who takes care of everything for me, and if I ever have children, I know my mother won't take care of them during the day (she lives too far away).

Lately I just felt like I'm never pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, or just plain good enough to feel worthy.

I've got friends who are getting promotions at work and who are buying these huge houses and who are going on these amazing trips and are overall doing very well for themselves. Me? There are some weeks when I'm living paycheck to paycheck, still trying to get myself out of the credit card debt I foolishly accumulated in my 20s, and figuring out how to put a few dollars in the bank.

I've talked about this with my therapist. She thinks that a man is what I need. You know what she said? I should dress myself up to try and make myself look attractive. You know, wear a little something more than T-shirts and jeans when running errands. I argued that, while it would change my appearance on the outside, my inner self would remain the same.

I left her office in tears. It's time to find a new therapist.

I thought I had made a lot of progress in the past year in terms of therapy and rebooting my always-has-been-shaky self-esteem. This weekend, though, set me back quite a bit.

So, that's where I'm at right now. The edge is still there, but it's not as bad as it was on Sunday. I've been way too self-absorbed. There are people in the world who have situations that are far worse than mine.

I just need to keep things in perspective. I know I'll be all right...it's just a matter of time.