The Queen's Meme: The What NOT Meme

There is all kinds of advice awaiting you on the Internets, advice full of things that tell you what TO DO in any given situation. Mimi, our darling Queen of Memes, has decided to solicit us, her royal subjects, on what NOT to do in the following situations:

1. On a first date: Oh, so many choices! Don't floss in front of your date. Don't chew with your mouth open. Don't go on and on and on about your exes.

2. Intoxicated: DON'T DRIVE. I've been the designated driver in MANY situations. And there were a few situations where I had to wrestle the keys out of someone's hand.

3. In the shower: Don't confuse the shampoo with the body wash. And especially don't confuse the Nair with your shampoo.

4. At your ex’s wedding: Don't give a toast while drunk, or else you'll be telling all sorts of risque stories about your ex. You don't want to be the most embarrassing part of his/her wedding day.

5. In jail: Don't piss off the guards. Or your cellmate, for that matter.

6. being stalked: Don't pull a Hansel and Gretel and leave traces of your whereabouts.

7. Stuck to an igloo: Don't get stuck to it in the first place. In the future, remember the scene from A Christmas Story: Your tongue WILL stick to cold places.

8. In sewing class: Don't sew your project to your jeans. I speak from experience.

9. Asleep in a helium balloon: Don't wake up. If you do, you'll panic. And if you do, don't try to suck all of the helium out of the balloon in order to get it to sink.

10. At a birthday party for twins: Don't mistake their identities. If one of them happens to be cute, make sure that, after the party, you're hooking up with the right one.

11. On a nude beach: Don't keep staring.

12. At the opera: Don't bring your finest Waterford crystal and perform scientific experiments. The opera isn't the place to see if glass will shatter due to high octaves. Save that for a Mariah Carey concert.

13. you’re falling in love: Don't go too fast.

14. Low on gasoline in a bad part of town: Don't stop and call AAA right away. Try to get to a better section of town first. And DON'T be alone; call someone in the area to keep you company.

15. Having a baby: Don't take advice from me. I've never been pregnant, and wouldn't have a clue as to what you should or shouldn't do.

16. On fire: Don't use any cleaning supplies or other household chemicals.

17. Lost at the mall: Don't stand in the middle of the food court and cry out, "I'm lost!!"

18. At a single’s dance: Don't look or act desperate.

19. Riding a bike on the Jersey Turnpike: Uhhhh...why would you do this in the first place?!?! But if you insist, don't leave home without your EZ Pass. You still have to pay the tolls.

20. Driving your significant other's car: Don't get into an accident.

21. Being robbed at gunpoint: Uhhhh...can't think of anything witty or practical here. Sorry.

22. Kissing: Never kiss after you've had sardines, a tuna fish sandwich, or garlic or onions.

23. Paying the hotel cashier: Don't stiff the poor guy.

24. Buying lingerie: Don't giggle like a schoolkid, especially if you're a guy.

24. Commenting on a blog: Don't be disrespectful when commenting. Be honest, but gentle.

25. In Queen Mimi's dungeon: Don't insult Queen Mimi's cooking. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Not my best answers this week...sorry guys.