Morning people suck!!!

I am not a morning person.

I used to be one, however. When I was in school and living at home, I loved getting up early, reading the paper with my dad, drinking my tea and eating my breakfast, then getting on the bus. I was just one of those people who bounced out of bed and was ready to face the day.

Things changed, though, when I became an adult with my own place, my own bills, and my own set of responsibilities.

The older I get, the harder it is for me to get out of my nice, cozy bed in the morning--especially when it's dark out. I'm talking, the-sun-doesn't-rise-till-7:15 type of difficult. My alarm rings at 5:45--the latest possible time for me to arise, shower, dress, breakfast, and be out the door and on time for work. I have a 20-to-25 minute commute, and I like to get to work early so I can clear my head and focus on the day's agenda.

During the depths of my depression, it was almost impossible for me to get out of bed, so I set two alarms. I set my alarm clock on my nightstand, plus I set the TV in the living room to turn on fifteen minutes before my alarm went off. I have a loft bedroom, so the light from the TV helped me awaken.

But I also had other reasons for setting the TV to go on.

We have a morning weatherman who, while having the potential to be an annoying morning person, is one who helps me start my day on a decent note. Every morning, at 5:55:55, he rings a cowbell to signal the time. During these days, I relied on that cowbell as the final signal for me to drag my ass out of bed. I'd stay in bed till the cowbell, then slowly, but surely, arise.

After a while, he stopped ringing the cowbell. I sent him an E-mail, which he read on the air. He's been ringing that cowbell ever since.

These days I'm not setting the TV, but I still have a hard time getting up at the appropriate hour. I have learned to take shortcuts during my bedtime routine to maximize my morning sleep minutes. I shower, prepare my lunch, select my outfit, set the Keurig, and set out my work supplies before I go to bed. This streamlines my routine, so I am not frazzled in the AM.

Oh, and a word about coffee. I didn't start drinking the stuff on a routine basis till three years ago. That was when my depression got worse. Since then, I've relied on the java to jolt me awake, and not just for the caffeinated effects. I really enjoy my morning coffee; it's a comforting part of my routine.

Now, I've told you all about my difficulty waking up. I haven't told you my rules to deal with me before 9 AM, when I am usually fully awake, and up and at 'em:

1. Don't talk to me. If you must, keep the conversation light, with simple, preferably monosyllabic, vocabulary.
2. Don't talk to me especially if you're one of those extra-perky, life is perfect, rose-colored-glasses morning people. I resent your morning attitude. If I have offended any of you, kittens, I apologize, but please, don't piss off my kind before 9 AM.
3. Don't DARE say "Good morning" to me. Just say "Hello," or a simple, "Morning." Some mornings are better than others; there are mornings that just aren't that good, either.

Now Saturdays and Sundays I'm much happier in the AM because I get to sleep in and get up on my own time. I get to pace my AM routine the way I want it to: slowly. I take the time to ease into the morning. I drink my coffee for pure enjoyment, not the caffeine rush.

Of course, it would help if I weren't such a Night Owl. I love the nighttime. That's when I'm at my best, my most creative, my most productive, my happiest. All the good stuff happens at night. I love to stay up late and watch all the late-night talk shows (especially Conan and Colbert), and I love to fall asleep to those late-night infomercials. During the week I can stay up till 11:30 or midnight.

Of course, as the week progresses, I fall asleep between 9:30 and 10 PM. That's all right with me.

But no matter how much sleep I get, I dread that 5:45 alarm.

Speaking of which, it's 10 PM. I've had a long weekend, filled with dogs waking me up at the ass-crack of dawn, and it's time for me to get some shuteye.

Good night, dear kittens, and please, if you're a morning person, show some respect for the non-morning people. :)