Saturday, August 28, 2010

The things that are stressing me out right now have nothing to do with my personal melodramas (for once)

I really can't watch the news anymore. I just can't. But it's there everywhere I turn: on my Yahoo! homepage, on my Facebook newsfeed, on my Twitter feed, everywhere. No matter where I go I get depression, depression, depression thrown in my face--drama that has nothing to do with my friends or family.

So what's stressing me out right now? Recession. Unemployment. Partisanship. Political bitterness. The mortgage crisis. Wars. Floods. Lack of goodwill in this country. Prejudice. Racism. Hatred of people because of their beliefs, political or religious. For sale signs that are up in front of houses for months. Major oil spills that have almost destroyed an entire region. Hurricanes, especially if they're named Katrina, Danielle, or Earl. But especially Katrina. (I can't believe it's been five years already.)

Just now I tried watching the NBC Nightly News, but had to turn it off. I put on baseball. Phillies and the Padres. Teams I don't even care about. But anything but the news.

These days I've been longing for simpler times. Not so much the days when I was little and was protected by mom and dad, but...more like ten years ago. My mid-twenties. I had just moved out of the house. I had my first apartment, my first job. My friends and I hung out all the time. We were all in the same boat. Everything was new, full of wonder. It was a time where I could learn a new thing about my new home every day. Everything was full of firsts, kind of like when I was an infant: first adult vacation. First new car I bought on my own. First major road trip without family members.

And forward to the mid-thirties. Same job, different home. Mortgage, instead of rent. Condo fees. City taxes for car and water. Increasing electric bills. Hell, increasing bills all the way around. Friends losing their jobs. Friends getting divorces. Friends worrying about getting the mortgage approved to buy their first home. Friends having babies. More responsibilities.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I was fearless. I felt like I could take on the world. The world was my oyster. I loved life and everything about it.

And yet, somewhere along the way, that girl disappeared, to be replaced by one who had fear, anxiety, and an increased awareness of the global situation.

I miss the girl who I was in my mid-twenties.

But now that I'm in my mid-thirties, I can't go back. Too much has changed. I've already explained how.

I miss the innocence, the wonder, the thrill of discovery of being a newbie in the real world.

Maybe I can at least capture those feelings, those emotions, in these times, but I don't know how.

I would love to feel that way again.

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