Thursday, December 4, 2008

I've GOT To Get Out of the House

Actually, I just did, if only for a few minutes...

I went to the dumpster, got rid of the trash, then got the mail.

It was my first time out of the house since I got home from work on Tuesday.

And now, my energy is back. Not up to full speed, but I am definitely on the mend.

Good thing, too, for I can't stop thinking negative thoughts...

They've been hitting me I stripped the bed to wash the sheets, as I started the washing machine, as I loaded the dishwasher, as I collected the various snot rags that had been laying around the house during this latest cold... (Please be aware that I'm not this sloppy in my healthy life).

It seems like everyone I know has been experiencing a sense of doom and gloom lately...whether it be illness in the family, the loss of a job/house, financial woes, etc. After I wrote my last post just a couple of hours ago, I then remembered that I have two friends who are currently undergoing medical testing for some mysterious health-related issues. I have one friend who has already lost ten pounds (which is a lot for her), and another who already has celiac disease, but may also have something wrong with her thyroid.

My friends in the blogosphere have been having similar worries. I know I'm not alone in this, but it's hard for me to think of even one positive thought.

Wait, I'm getting over a goddamn cold...that's positive, no?

I know this one person who is just so overly positive all the time, she makes Pollyanna look depressed. Her life is all about sunshine and lollipops, or at least that's what she makes it look like. I have trouble being around this person sometimes because everything's just wonderful.

Or at least that's what it looks like on the outside.

I will publicly admit it right here: I, by nature, am a freakin' pessimist. Since I graduated from college ten years ago, I've been through three bouts of depression, the last one so bad that I nearly lost my home, my physical health, and my mental health. I'm amazed that I was able to hang onto my job. However, with the help of my family, friends, and a wonderful therapist, I've made some huge gains over the past year.

However, I'm feeling myself regress into old habits.

But this time, I'm able to catch myself before I spiral downward again.

I'm not pulling out the debit card or the checkbook to spend money on foolish purchases. I've got a much better handle on my finances now. And I'm not using food as a crutch anymore (although I've been heeding to that old wives' tale of "feed a cold" more than I should over the past week).

Whoa...I just made a positive thought.

Maybe I'm not as much of a pessimist as I thought.

Finally, and this is the crazy part, I've got this blog to help vent my feelings. Back in middle and high school, when I kept a journal, I used writing as an outlet to pour out and sort out my feelings. I think of blogging as a modern-day journal.

I look at this entry in this way: I started off all doom and gloom, and am about to end this on an upbeat note.

But somebody shoot me if I go all Pollyanna on everyone...I don't want to be all sunshine and lollipops all the time.

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