The Queen's Meme: The Culinary Meme

Now kittens, if you've been following for a while, you know how much I love to cook. This meme seems to be right up my alley.

Well, maybe I'm not so sure...just look at the questions.

1. If you could put thyme in a bottle, what is the first thing that you'd like to do?
Are we talking fresh or dried thyme here? 'Cause if you're talking fresh thyme I could throw in a few rosemary sprigs and make a nice infused vinegar out of it. If it were dried I'd use it as a part of a rub for a nice roast chicken or pork loin. Or I could use it in chicken soup.

2. Do eggs really crack or do they merely have a nervous breakdown?
Eggs have a nervous breakdown. Seriously, how would you feel if your fate is emulsion into a baked dish? Or if you were scrambled with sausage, peppers, and onions? Or whipped into a fury for a meringue? Or worse...hard boiled and dyed for Easter?!?!?!

3. Why are you whipping the butter? What did it ever do to you?
Butter was my first love, you see. But he betrayed me. He left me with cholesterol in my heart and grease on my fingers. I'm still bitter.

4. Do your spoons spoon in the drawer? Have you ever noticed? And more importantly, if wooden spoons spoon do they get splinters?
I've never caught them in the act. Maybe I should put a little camera in there so I can catch some of the action, then sell the tape on eBay.

As for wooden spoons, I'm sure they'd get splinters, but aren't they used to it? After all, they're made of wood anyway!

5. You hear: "Dumpling, my Dumpling, come hither." The candles are lit, the fondue is dipping, the Godiva is pouring, the scallions are steaming and the music is playing.....but wait, the windows are open. Why did you close them?
I'd be afraid of the neighbors eavesdropping. Besides, it's raining.

6. Do you need a recipe to cook or are you a bohemian chef? Show us your reckless and wild side in the kitchen. Don't have one? Here's a recipe I made just for you: You will need a spatula, a whisk, a gallon of Chardonnay, a banana and a rump roast. What is the name of your dish?
OK, first, pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay. You're gonna channel your inner Graham Kerr as you cook. Now peel your banana, slice it, put it in a bowl. Pour some Chardonnay in it, but not too much. Whisk it up till you have a nice sauce. Now pour it into a pot and let it boil until you have a nice glaze.

Now pour yourself another glass of Chardonnay, since you finished the first one.

Take your rump roast. Pour the glaze over it. Use the spatula to spread the glaze over the rump roast, since Mimi is being mean and is not giving me a pastry brush for the glazing, which is what I prefer and far easier than using a metal spatula. At this point, pour some more Chardonnay for yourself, 'cause you're frustrated that you can't spread a proper glaze over a proper rump roast properly.

Now that you've glazed your rump, put it in the oven at 400 degrees. Let 'er go for about 45 minutes, or until the juices run clear.

As you wait for a potential culinary disaster, help yourself to more Chardonnay. Don't bother pouring yourself a glass; you've earned the right to take a swig from the bottle. Or two swigs. Hell, just chug the damn thing down.

Take your rump out of the oven and serve. Have someone else carve it, since you're swimming in Chardonnay at this point. Hopefully it'll turn out well, or your rump will be roasted.

7. After dinner, the dishes are so dirty that the dishwasher refuses to wash them.
What did they say to get in hot water?
They muttered words that would get me on Blogger's content warning list. I won't write those down, dear kittens, for this is a fate that I would prefer to avoid.

8. Is your pot black?
Pa has called the kettle black before, but not the pot.

9. What is the sexiest spice or condiment in your cabinet? What makes it so?
Nutmeg. It's my secret ingredient in many recipes, especially white sauces, baked goods, and rubs.

10. How much crock is really in your crock pot?
I don't own a crock pot. Maybe I should get one. Then again, my life is full of enough crock as it is...